I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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