I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
