found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
