i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can't trust your balls anymore.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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