There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
