did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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