I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
