The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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