i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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