Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
