Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
