Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
