feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
