This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
