I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
