I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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