She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
