Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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