worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
