Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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