Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
