If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So much Jack, so little girl.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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