You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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