$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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