No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
