So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
