i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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