plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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