Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
