new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
