my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
