last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
