Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
