I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
