Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
