I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
