She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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