His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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