my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
