I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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