I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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