I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
