All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
