So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
