i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Holy sore nipples Batman
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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