My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
