I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
