If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
