see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm getting married
To pizza
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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