two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
