I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
