I'm so fucking centered right now
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
