This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
