I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
