just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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